Questions to Ask Before Having Kids

Which parts of parenting appeal to us, and which are we still unsure about?

What is our ideal timeline, when would we want to start trying?

What do we each imagine an ordinary weekday with a child would require?

Will one of us stay home, or will we both keep working?

How would we keep both people's rest needs visible?

What is our approach to discipline, strict, gentle, somewhere in between?

Which assumptions about who would do care work have we not examined?

Public school, private school, or homeschool, what is our current lean?

What kind of support could we realistically ask for rather than simply hope for?

How involved do we want extended family to be in daily parenting?

How would we discuss a change in either person's wishes about parenthood?

How do we feel about sleep training methods?

Which parts of our own childhood would we want to understand better first?

What is our financial plan for kids, savings, childcare, college?

What would help us make room for a child with interests different from ours?

How will we make sure both of us stay connected to friends and hobbies?

How would we decide which family traditions to pass on?

How do we want our kids to see our marriage, what do we model?

Which responsibilities would include planning, remembering and follow-through?

How many, and how firmly do you feel about that number?

What does sharing night-time or early-morning care mean in practical terms to each of us?

What would we do if we struggled to conceive?

How would we keep discussing work ambitions as care needs change?

Whose career changes, and by how much?

Which friendships or community ties would we want to nurture beforehand?

Can we afford this, honestly, with numbers?

What would a manageable home routine look like when energy is low?

How much help will our families actually give?

How would we ask for a break without implying we care less?

How would we divide the night wakings?

Which ideas about a good parent feel helpful, and which feel unrealistic?

How were you disciplined as a child, and what will you repeat?

What would we want a child to learn from how we handle disagreement?

How do you feel about screens, sugar, and bedtimes?

How would we approach relatives offering help with conditions attached?

What schooling do we want, and can we afford it?

Which kinds of personal time do we hope each person can retain?

What happens to our relationship in the first two years?

What information would we need before deciding on a timeline?

What if one of us struggles badly afterwards?

How could we notice resentment about unequal work before it becomes entrenched?

What if a child has additional needs?

What would help us support a child through a temperament very different from our own?

How close do we need to be to family?

Which decisions would we want to revisit as we learn rather than settle permanently now?

What are you most afraid of about becoming a parent?

How would we make room for play without turning every activity into achievement?

What do you think I'll find hardest?

What would keep our partnership from becoming only a care-management system?

What are our rules about other people's opinions?

How would we handle feeling differently about sharing a child's life online?

What would we do if we changed our minds after one?

Which uncertainties deserve more thought before we make a decision?

What would you need from me in the first year?

What would a respectful conversation look like if our answers do not yet align?